2014

Taking stock of the year that has passed often brings about a sense of dread in me.

What have I achieved in the past year? Oh, nothing much. Same old, same old. Not much of a "career" in the traditional sense. Sure, I've had a kid. Sure, I've had two. Sure, I'm about to celebrate 10 years of marriage in a few months. But other than that? Ho-hum. Nothing much. It's hot today isn't it?

Except, why do I keenly feel the need to identify myself within the confines of a career?

I guess I've always thought I'd be a bit of an achiever when it came to work. (At the very least, I thought I'd be earning more!) And it's a battle I fight each year, when December 31 comes around.

With the drama and adventure of 2013, you'd think I'd have learnt my lesson on what deems as important!

So I guess I really should take stock and refocus on my real achievements hey?

• I've had a kid! He's turned 7! And he's smart and won't stop talking!
• I've had another kid! He's just turned 4 months! And he's smart and won't stop coo-ing!
• Hubby and I have a strong marriage (which I gather, by the rate of relationships dissolving in 2014, is quite a feat).
• I spent the last year in a job I truly enjoyed, and made new friends, some who remain very close.
• I spent Christmas in Brisbane with close friends and got to ride the roller-coasters at the theme parks - trust me, this was a huge Win for me LOL.
• Got to make new friends through Social Media, especially Instagram.

So! What do I look forward to for 2015?

• Baby hitting new milestones
• Celebrating 10 years of marriage
• Deepening meaningful relationships
• Possibly returning back to work. Possibly.
• Trying out new cake designs and recipes and hopefully revamp the cake website.
• Opening a new cafe with hubby and friends.
• Flying back to Singapore to visit family.
• Perhaps taking a holiday to a new destination - maybe Japan? Or Europe again (I wish!!)

In the meantime, this being a BABY blog, and since I've just had another BABY,  here're some pictures to drool over (literally, there's saliva everywhere right now!)

Soooo tiny 

Guess which one is Aidan and which is Adam?!

Aidan celebrating his 7th birthday at school 

Made a Minecraft cake

My lovely kikki. K family 

#squishycheeks

Family shot on my birthday 

More piccies to come!

Happy 6th Birthday Aidan!

It's been a week overdue, but better late than never! (Which seems to be a common thread in my posts lately haha...)

Aidan celebrated his birthday with not one but FOUR parties this year (five if you include the birthday cake he also had at EG's aunt's home). What a lucky duck!

When I asked him what cake he wanted for his actual birthday (back in Melbourne), he wasn't sure.

"How about a mango cake?"
"Yeah! MANGO CAKE!"
"Sure! I'll get you a mango cake then."
"...of Death."

?!! WTH is a Mango Cake of Death?! We both burst out laughing after that, and I settled for the mango gateau at Breadtop. Which to some really is a mango cake of death anyways.

His other 2 birthday celebrations came on the weekend, with a party with school friends at the game arcade at Highpoint, and one at church with church friends.

His little party in Singapore with our families and some friends. 

Aidan got to meet new friends at this party as well - kids of EG's mates.

At EG's aunt's home, with his BFF cousin Anna!

Me and his lego cake. 

3 layered choc-fudge cake with strawberry buttercream 

and cherries (his request!)

SIGH...no more novelty cakes please!

 With Aunty Sue-Lee and Zoe-Grace, whose birthdays fall

on the day after his!

Aunty Yuli made the lovely cake pops!! Yum!!

And...this is just me trolling my son when I found him 

sleeping in this position the night before his birthday. LOLOL!!
 

Since Aidan's turned 6 it's been a bit of a challenge, because I find him really testing my patience. I'm not sure if it's him or if it's me (probably me), but I find it SO hard to be pleasant and controlled sometimes when he takes his time to do things and the lack of urgency frustrates me. It takes forever for him to get ready for school...and we usually end up in a rush when my neighbour, whom we carpool with, arrives. Except for yesterday when he magically JUMPED out of bed, brushed his teeth, got dressed, ALL ON HIS OWN. IN FIVE MINUTES. which means it's VERY POSSIBLE FOR GRUMPY SIX YEAR OLDS TO ACHIEVE THIS. However, he was motivated by the prospect of opening and playing with a new toy, hence today we were back to the same old nag and drag.

And the neighbour turned up early which meant he didn't have time to have brekkie, and had to take his cheese sandwich with him. And a quick instruction to put on his socks and shoes fell on deaf ears as he got distracted (AGAIN!) by the lego behind him, while the neighbour's car was still sitting outside, patiently waiting for us!! I pulled his face to mine and said "FOCUS!!"

It's mornings like these that really annoy me, and starts my day off wrong. I put it down to him being just a 6 y.o. and my need to just be a little bit more patient, but there are days when I wonder if I'm actually cut out for this. Parenting a 6-going-on-16 child, while not bringing out the absolute worse in me, isn't necessarily bringing out my best either. I feel like we're constantly battling each other (and I thought I'd only get the attitude and the "Seriously, Mum?!" from a girl, not a boy!)

However, the pleasant times we spend learning and reading stories just before bedtime are pretty amazing, I have to admit. And just the other night when he got really excited about learning math through YouTube and it was so great to see how his eyes lit up at the thought of learning and discovering something new. He was copiously copying the problem sums from the video, which I thought was pretty hilarious and video-ed as well. And also how he came up with a rhyming song on the spur-of-the-moment. That was pretty amazing.

(For some reason I sound like a deranged puppet when I yelled "One more time!"

It's probably the recording. Or not.)

You can take the boy out of Singapore...

How to save a life

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone.
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling in the sky the message He is Dead,
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever, I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

  

W. H. Auden                               

 Funeral Blues                               

                                

One precious hour. Eight short weeks ago.

I held my two little angels, then their hands grew cold.

Their hearts stopped, eyes still closed.

One clung to her father's finger, the other hid behind the blows

Tiny

Shy

My Aurora Jade

My Aimee Rose

~~~~~

This post is a long time coming. We'd been trying to conceive for about 2.5, almost 3 years before we received the news:

Hmmm....methinks God wants to tell us something...

And we were overjoyed! I'd come down the stairs; EG thought I'd come to say good night. I brought out the little baby elephant plush toy I'd bought ages ago at a flea market, in anticipation of a baby's arrival, which had gathered dust over the years. He glanced, smiled, then did a double-take! "Really?!" he said. I nodded. We hugged. He cried.

Then we found out I was further along then expected.... and the big news, TWINS! God is good, He'd blessed us over and abundantly for the years of waiting, years of tears and frustration.

And just as quickly, at 20 weeks, we said a big hello to babies Aurora and Aimee. My two gorgeous little girls, who were so eager to say hi to the world they couldn't wait.

But because they were just that little, there wasn't anything the doctors could do to sustain them.

And so we said goodbye... softly, quietly, they tiptoed into the twilight.

No one know why this happens. No one knows why my cervix dilated, or the membranes pushed out, or why I went into early labour. No one knows if it had been happening for awhile before I'd noticed the spotting and gone to the hospital. No one knows if it's caused by hormones, or by sudden growth from twin-to-twin transfer syndrome, no one knows.

And that is horribly frustrating.

But what would it even change? I had my babies for a short while on this earth, and they're now back in Heaven. One day we will meet again.

Each day since then is different, some days are good, some days not so. I cry and rage and double over weeping, missing them heaps. Missing what could have been. The cuddles, the hugs, the tantrums, the food fights. Sure I could have another baby again, but I probably won't have twins again. Two little girls that look almost exactly alike, save for a scar there, a mole on the cheek, subtle differences only a mother would know.

Even in the short hour I had with them, their personalities shone through. The dream I'd had months ago must have been prophetic; Aurora, the firstborn, was tougher, stronger, just as she was in my dream, robustly clinging onto EG's finger. Aimee, shyer, born minutes later, perpetually hiding behind her hand, shielding herself away from the enthusiastic gazes and coos.

Aurora Jade's middle name was after my mum's, Aimee Rose's was after EG's mum. Aimee means Beloved, Aurora means the Dawn.

~~~~~

A short week ago you came into our lives, then you tiptoed quietly into the evening light.

You are Aurora, the new Dawn. You are Aimee, Beloved.

You are dearly missed.

~~~~~

More thoughts to come.

Happy Fourth!

This post is a little overdue, but better late than never!

Can't believe how quickly my little one's turned a grand ol' four. FOUR! That's the age where we REALLY start to remember things...like how I used to swivel the fan away from my baby sis late at night because I was SO HOT and who cares if she suffocated in the heat?

I was not a nice child.

That said, my bubba has grown leaps and bounds in the last year, he's now 103cm, a grand leap from the 96cm measured at his third birthday.

We've always had crazy conversations, and lately their getting more grown up. "So, Ma, how was YOUR day today?" He then turns to his Dad. "So, Dad, how was work today? Good?"

Precocious preciousness!

We celebrated his birthday with some time away in Perth - saves us on the big ol' birthday party (I feel terrible for him though! I really have to brush up on my caking skills to make that Bumblebee-Transformer cake he wants). It was a short holiday, but lovely weather, and great to see the cousins and Aidan's great-aunt and great-uncle again.

Here with Amanda-jie. He's been doing the sticky-out tongue thing lately!

With the cousins at Kings Park, Perth. Beautiful day for the Wildflower Festival!

My Aunt and Uncle, happy as ever.

(And my uncle's as crazy as ever - it's in the genes I tell ya!)

He LOVES the sunshine!!

With some Corica Apple strudel to celebrate his birthday.

Cheeky tongue again!!

Love our pyjamas - all in bright colours! heh

We met up with the Chuas  who were in Perth too - 

JoJo and Aidan had SO MUCH FUN in the water!

SO! Reflection time... as I do whenever we hit milestones...

2011 has been a tremendous time for my growth personally, since I've found a vocation I can be passionate about - cake decorating. And Art! It's been terrific to be able to involve that dormant creative side of my self, and allow it to grow and grow, especially through the Bakeshoppe. I think keeping busy and purposeful (Proverbs 29:18) has allowed me to Breathe again, and while I don't think I've perfected the art of parenting, I'm getting there.

Yesterday and today, I've been pretty sick. But thankfully I don't have any big orders in this week, which means I can get much needed rest, and that has allowed me to really step away from everything (especially Facebooking ack!!) and spend meaningful time with Aidan. Who's also pretty sick btw, we're both down with the flu AND fever.

We memorised Scripture as part of our church's 40 days of Prayer (to the tune of "Spider-Man, Spider-Man..." in a groovy '60s beach-boys vibe LOL!!), read books, played lego, told stories, cuddled, watched heaps of telly.

This, and our trip to Perth has really made me treasure the current opportunity I have with Aidan, that we can spend days together and hopefully I won't waste it! Once he starts prep...*sigh* My baby's growing up so quickly!!

Special times...

It doesn't get any easier

The last month or so spent with family in Singapore, and on our MEGA trip to Hong Kong and Guangzhou has been A-MAZE-ING. (I really should have a separate post for that...once I get the pics up!)

I'm loving how much A loves spending time with his cousins, his grandparents, his aunts and uncles. He really thrives on the attention and love, and he's getting a little spoilt. I think today has been the 1st day in a long while when he's actually bothered to feed himself, thanks to the yummy food at a friend's house we had (his new fav. - chicken rice!)

Sadly, this time next Sat, we'll be taking the plane back to Melbourne...

SIGH. I always get to this point at this time of the year...after all the festivities and fun from a holiday in Singapore, and I'm loathed to return to Melbourne.

It's not so much the place, Singapore, but the people. I think if I were to work here, it'd be pretty hard, which accounts for the brain-drain to Perth and Melbourne.

But I'll miss my sis, my parents, my in-laws, friends, Aidan's cousins... SNIFF!

AND IT'S BEEN THIS WAY FOR THE LAST DECADE!

Geez. You'd think after 10 years I'd feel a bit more rooted in Melbourne. But this sense of displacement always hits me. We stayed because of community, of Life and support...but slowly that's evolving, changing, as friendships drift and change and the ties that bind become weaker. You've more in common (kids, families, schools) and yet, less (how you raise them, what your family looks like, what school you can afford).

The divide seems to get bigger and bigger.

I guess maybe in SG our friends and us are pretty much all on the same page. But in Melbourne, the class difference really seems a little bit more stark.

And the stuff we have in common become less, and we have less to talk about.

The common Faith Hope and Love seem so...intangible. Ephemeral.

I feel torn I guess. Love is in Singapore. Yet opportunities seem more readily available in Melbourne.


And I do often feel alone in the (our) crowd. Yet who's to say I wouldn't feel this way if we move back to SG?

There's lots to look forward to this year - Aidan's growth, new routines, new things to learn, a possible bakeshop. I just hope I don't stuff it up!

Creator. My future and destiny is in your hands.

Happy 2nd Birthday!!

Yes, my little man, you've finally turned 2.

2 years since that fateful day, when the contractions came fast and furious, and you came roaring out to greet the world. (ok, maybe not quite roaring, probably more of a quiet salute).

Time flies, and from a little bubsy who was born after a tiring 17-hour labour, you've blossomed into a fine young man, sitting on my lap crunching Special K while I type this.

I love mornings like this when it's already 10.30 and we're still in our pajamas having breakfast and watching Babar on TV.

And you've already got 4 birthday wishes! (I sang "Happy Birthday" to him and he shouted"Hip Hip Hooray!" after - must've been the many times he's heard us say this at other people's birthdays.)

Can't wait to celebrate the rest of the day with you!

Thinking thoughts

Just some quiet reflections.

I made a new friend recently, my Tupperware manager actually, E (yes, I've recently joined Tupperware; for Tupperholics, my AP was on 2/8/09, and 1st demo this Sat after Sessions!), and our long car rides to Demos and Sales meetings have given us an avenue to talk, and swap stories.

E's such an amazingly wonderful person, very open about her life and what's she's battled with, and I'm just so impressed with her positivity in spite of everything. It really feels like God's had a hand in bringing us together, for such a time as this.

Tonight we talked about lots of things, our family as usual, and based on her own experience post-birth, it made me wonder if all the feelings and anxieties I had with my newborn could've been classified as post-natal depression.

Now labeling anyone with the big D-word is pretty scary, although during the 1st year of Aidan's life I did check out a few websites to see if I exhibited signs. While I ticked a few boxes, it wasn't quite enough to label me with PND. I guess there's a spectrum.

I think my feelings mostly tied in with a sense of a loss of control. I think I was angry most of the time. Not angry enough to yell or scream or throw a plate, but I often felt stressed, anxious, tired, and got the sense I was well in over my head. Which resulted in me snapping at everyone, all the time.

So maybe it wasn't just the baby blues, maybe it was more than that. I guess I'll never know. I'm hoping I'll be more aware when the next one comes along.

In the meantime, I've learnt a bit more about myself in the last week, why a lack of control over situations tend to tip me over the edge (esp. nearing my period...hmmm...hormones do play a part!) and what amazing AMAZING girlfriends I have. And a gracious husband. And a merciful God.

Here's to tomorrow!

Happy June Father's Day

Since it's Father's Day in some parts of the world today (we celebrate it in September over here), I thought it'd be pertinent to remind Aidan on how much E-Gene loves him... ;-)

Dear Aidan

As you edge closer to your 2nd birthday, here's a gentle reminder of how much we love you. And especially how much your Dada loves you.

He
- loves cuddling you and playing with you in the room he's setup and decorated for you.

- is grateful for all the cuddles you return, especially today when he's sick, and you walked up to him to give him a hug, saying "cuddle".

- is always patient with you, even when he has to discipline you for being disobedient.

- is always supportive of your mama, and goes to work so that she can stay home and care for you full-time.

- loves teaching you new things, like how things work, and animal names.

- isn't afraid to show you how much he loves you. He says his favourite time of the day is when he gets to hold you as you fall asleep in his arms.

- is always on the lookout for ways to protect you (like straightening the rugs so you won't trip and fall).

- works hard each and every day, waking at 5.30am, is on his feet all day with no breaks til 5.30pm, then comes back to play with you, wash you, entertain you, before finally crashing into bed at 10.30pm. Is it any wonder he's lost so much weight? ;-)

And as you grow, you'll discover the many different sacrifices he makes each day to care for you and provide the best that he can for you. May you grow to trust his wisdom and love, as he's showed you how much his Creator has loved and cared for us.

Hugs and cuddles and heaps of love,
Mama and Dada

Reflections on turning 1

Now that our family has left, the house is much quieter. And lonelier! Although this gives me a chance to get Aidan back on routine, it's just not the same! It was so wonderful to have Aidan hanging our with his cousins and Ah-Bor E-Laine, Mai Po, Gran and Grandad, and they've been such a blessing helping out with the big move and the birthday party.

Although of course with all the revelry and going-outs, and especially 'coz of the move, his routine has been a little off, and he'd been having a hard time getting to sleep on his own in a strange room. The last two weeks was spent cuddling with Mama and Dada in bed, and I don't think he was all that comfy either 'coz he kept waking up crying. But yesterday and today he's getting there - pop him down on the bed and he'll sleep on his own again, phew! At least, for the day-sleeps. He still wakes up at night (last night twice), but he'll adjust eventually. He'd have been there sooner, but he was actually having a fever the last couple of days, reaching 39.6 degrees the other night! The doc said he was probably fighting off a viral infection, so it was a "good" fever. But worrysome to me nonetheless, especially since backup support (Gran and Grandad) have left for home!

I can't believe how the past year has, well, I wouldn't say flown by, since some days are interminably long! But it has moved forward, and we've really progressed. I emailed Simone from boswellbunch.com, whose book Calm Baby Confident Mum (available on her website and at Koorong too) has been a lifesaver and my baby-caring bible, recounting how it's been a year since we 1st corresponded when Aidan was only 2 weeks old! I wouldn't have known about routines and how to handle some situations (and the crying, oh GOD the crying!), if not for her support, her quick replies via emails and encouragement. She's an amazing lady!

Aidan's 1st birthday feels like a birthday of my own too. An anniversary, something to commemorate a year of hard work and humility, of dying (dying dying dying!) to self, putting someone else 1st in my life (besides EG of course). It hasn't been easy - Aidan's such a lively vivacious precocious child, and I've been thoroughly blessed - but boy I don't have enough energy to keep up! Even my in-laws said they can't keep up either! So thank God we can celebrate this past year, this year of joys, frustrations, heartaches, tantrums, sleeps (or lack therof) and crying - his and my own!

Thank you for reading too! And your support... here's to the next one!