See you on the other side

Tomorrow everything will change.

Tomorrow, everything will be different.

Because, tomorrow, bubba arrives!!

I was given the option to induce labour by the doctors at my 37-week checkup, due to my history of preterm labour and the minor bleed I had at 27 weeks. After much deliberation, research and weighing out the risks versus benefits, Ege and I decided to go ahead and induce labour tomorrow when I am 39 weeks. So right now I'm feeling terribly excited and terribly nervous and terribly terribly BIG.

Aidan has his moments of excitement about the baby, when he talks to my belly. Just the other day we were pointing out one of the benefits of having a younger brother was that he could eventually fetch stuff for him, like some water LOL. "Nah," Aidan said, "I'll treat him right." I was impressed!

But lately I sense his nervousness. He confessed the other day that he felt we would ignore him because of the baby, and he's a little upset we're not going ahead with the name he's keen on (he'd recently changed his preference to Brent, after the winner of Master Chef 2014.) I know it'll be a big adjustment for him, as he's been an only child for close to 7 years; I just hope the transition for him wouldn't be too hard and he'll adapt, in his own way, eventually. One of the reasons we're having a big splash for his birthday this year is so he won't feel like his special day has been overshadowed by his brother's arrival.

Anyhoos, here's a selfie taken about 6 weeks ago:

Me at 32 weeks

The baby's grown a lot since then!!

Added to the prep we need to make in order to herald bubba's arrival, are also the food I need to cook and freeze, and the tonic soups I'll have to get Ege to make for my "confinement" period, where I would need to "tonify" my body post-birth. My mum was meant to arrive on Monday, however the poor dear was stung by a mozzie and came down with dengue fever! She's recovering well now... but still needs lots of rest and is easily fatigued, so we'd rather her recover fully before making the trip over. Thankfully our dear friends across the road (Ivy and Steve FTW!) have offered to cook for us, and help us out, at least until my in-laws arrive on the 23rd.

My really dumb autocorrect fail LOL.

Whenever I mention to anyone about my mum & how she's had dengue, 

people smile and try to hold back a laugh rather than make sympathetic noises

The Sunday past was interesting. I had the opportunity to share our journey and our story of what happened with the twins at church. The days leading up to it were definitely emotional and hard, as I had to confront and re-visit a lot of my residual feelings, which were also conflated with my nervousness about the current pregnancy, and my fears at the process of labour and childbirth. But it was strangely free-ing and cathartic and therapeutic for me, being up on stage and sharing the pain, but also the hopes and prayers we as a family were holding.

Having it all out in the open meant that everyone knew my version of the story, rather than the bits and pieces that they would have gathered from shadowed whispers. Very rarely would someone have asked about details as they would have been too polite to dredge up the experience, for fear of making me uncomfortable or upset.

But now that we are all on the same page, I feel like I can move on. It was like the windows opened and a breath of fresh air flowed in. Cleansing. Healing. Allowing me space to find trust in God again.

And now I feel that I, We, all of us, can re-focus on the future and the excitement that new Life will bring.

See you on the other side!!

How to save a life

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone.
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling in the sky the message He is Dead,
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever, I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

  

W. H. Auden                               

 Funeral Blues                               

                                

One precious hour. Eight short weeks ago.

I held my two little angels, then their hands grew cold.

Their hearts stopped, eyes still closed.

One clung to her father's finger, the other hid behind the blows

Tiny

Shy

My Aurora Jade

My Aimee Rose

~~~~~

This post is a long time coming. We'd been trying to conceive for about 2.5, almost 3 years before we received the news:

Hmmm....methinks God wants to tell us something...

And we were overjoyed! I'd come down the stairs; EG thought I'd come to say good night. I brought out the little baby elephant plush toy I'd bought ages ago at a flea market, in anticipation of a baby's arrival, which had gathered dust over the years. He glanced, smiled, then did a double-take! "Really?!" he said. I nodded. We hugged. He cried.

Then we found out I was further along then expected.... and the big news, TWINS! God is good, He'd blessed us over and abundantly for the years of waiting, years of tears and frustration.

And just as quickly, at 20 weeks, we said a big hello to babies Aurora and Aimee. My two gorgeous little girls, who were so eager to say hi to the world they couldn't wait.

But because they were just that little, there wasn't anything the doctors could do to sustain them.

And so we said goodbye... softly, quietly, they tiptoed into the twilight.

No one know why this happens. No one knows why my cervix dilated, or the membranes pushed out, or why I went into early labour. No one knows if it had been happening for awhile before I'd noticed the spotting and gone to the hospital. No one knows if it's caused by hormones, or by sudden growth from twin-to-twin transfer syndrome, no one knows.

And that is horribly frustrating.

But what would it even change? I had my babies for a short while on this earth, and they're now back in Heaven. One day we will meet again.

Each day since then is different, some days are good, some days not so. I cry and rage and double over weeping, missing them heaps. Missing what could have been. The cuddles, the hugs, the tantrums, the food fights. Sure I could have another baby again, but I probably won't have twins again. Two little girls that look almost exactly alike, save for a scar there, a mole on the cheek, subtle differences only a mother would know.

Even in the short hour I had with them, their personalities shone through. The dream I'd had months ago must have been prophetic; Aurora, the firstborn, was tougher, stronger, just as she was in my dream, robustly clinging onto EG's finger. Aimee, shyer, born minutes later, perpetually hiding behind her hand, shielding herself away from the enthusiastic gazes and coos.

Aurora Jade's middle name was after my mum's, Aimee Rose's was after EG's mum. Aimee means Beloved, Aurora means the Dawn.

~~~~~

A short week ago you came into our lives, then you tiptoed quietly into the evening light.

You are Aurora, the new Dawn. You are Aimee, Beloved.

You are dearly missed.

~~~~~

More thoughts to come.