How to save a life

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone.
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling in the sky the message He is Dead,
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever, I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

  

W. H. Auden                               

 Funeral Blues                               

                                

One precious hour. Eight short weeks ago.

I held my two little angels, then their hands grew cold.

Their hearts stopped, eyes still closed.

One clung to her father's finger, the other hid behind the blows

Tiny

Shy

My Aurora Jade

My Aimee Rose

~~~~~

This post is a long time coming. We'd been trying to conceive for about 2.5, almost 3 years before we received the news:

Hmmm....methinks God wants to tell us something...

And we were overjoyed! I'd come down the stairs; EG thought I'd come to say good night. I brought out the little baby elephant plush toy I'd bought ages ago at a flea market, in anticipation of a baby's arrival, which had gathered dust over the years. He glanced, smiled, then did a double-take! "Really?!" he said. I nodded. We hugged. He cried.

Then we found out I was further along then expected.... and the big news, TWINS! God is good, He'd blessed us over and abundantly for the years of waiting, years of tears and frustration.

And just as quickly, at 20 weeks, we said a big hello to babies Aurora and Aimee. My two gorgeous little girls, who were so eager to say hi to the world they couldn't wait.

But because they were just that little, there wasn't anything the doctors could do to sustain them.

And so we said goodbye... softly, quietly, they tiptoed into the twilight.

No one know why this happens. No one knows why my cervix dilated, or the membranes pushed out, or why I went into early labour. No one knows if it had been happening for awhile before I'd noticed the spotting and gone to the hospital. No one knows if it's caused by hormones, or by sudden growth from twin-to-twin transfer syndrome, no one knows.

And that is horribly frustrating.

But what would it even change? I had my babies for a short while on this earth, and they're now back in Heaven. One day we will meet again.

Each day since then is different, some days are good, some days not so. I cry and rage and double over weeping, missing them heaps. Missing what could have been. The cuddles, the hugs, the tantrums, the food fights. Sure I could have another baby again, but I probably won't have twins again. Two little girls that look almost exactly alike, save for a scar there, a mole on the cheek, subtle differences only a mother would know.

Even in the short hour I had with them, their personalities shone through. The dream I'd had months ago must have been prophetic; Aurora, the firstborn, was tougher, stronger, just as she was in my dream, robustly clinging onto EG's finger. Aimee, shyer, born minutes later, perpetually hiding behind her hand, shielding herself away from the enthusiastic gazes and coos.

Aurora Jade's middle name was after my mum's, Aimee Rose's was after EG's mum. Aimee means Beloved, Aurora means the Dawn.

~~~~~

A short week ago you came into our lives, then you tiptoed quietly into the evening light.

You are Aurora, the new Dawn. You are Aimee, Beloved.

You are dearly missed.

~~~~~

More thoughts to come.