Lilypie First Birthday tickers
Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers

Monday, August 12, 2013

Opt out?


This article was written in the New York Times Magazine recently, and spurred a couple of thoughts (not fully formed mind you!) from me, especially since I'm wondering about my next steps in life (family move, career expansion?)

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/08/11/magazine/the-opt-out-generation-wants-back-in.html?smid=fb-share&_r=0

My personal experience has been that "opting out" was a struggle for me, particularly because it also coalesced with my lack of achieving a "successful" level of work prior to having Aidan (ie. I had also felt rather "lost" at work just as I fell pregnant).  The first 2 years of Aidan's life was a bit of a wandering-in-the-desert experience because I was told and believed that being a SAHM would be the most beneficial for my child, yet, to be perfectly honest, it was very unfulfilling for me. Less so for the child-rearing, I did enjoy it to varying degrees, but more so for the household duties which I really resented having to bear the burden of. Plus I also felt I wasn't contributing to the family (even though my contribution, many would argue, was significant. I just didn't feel it. I think I tie my identity to work a fair bit?)

Huge credit to E-Gene however, that even after 16 hour days at work he still helped put Aidan to bed and helped with the dishes and laundry, while dealing with a really tired and grumpy wife. Significantly, he also said that I should consider putting Aidan into childcare once a week (and once again, I am grateful to the Australian govt. for child care benefits and welfare that I would never have received in SG), because he felt this, and said to me, that for me to be a good mum to Aidan I had to be in a good place myself. (Hence the Italian lessons I'd always wanted to take!)

I think I was fortunate to have rekindled my love for baking a little later and to have found an outlet for it selling my cupcakes. I found work I was proud of, and that has also led me to other work at kikki. K and finding clarity in what my strengths are. Beyond supplying a small amount of financial independence, I find that both types of work brings great meaning, enjoyment and purpose to me. I do still struggle with guilt, even though I know that the Superwoman-Supermum archetype is a myth and having-it-all is a myth. (CEOs have nannies. Single mums have none.)

Guilt for me translates to this: I wonder if I should pay more attention to Aidan and spend more time engaging in his learning process, when all I wanna do is have a nap in the time between rushing from work to picking him from school and preparing dinner?

If we do move to SG (and that's a very big IF) for Ege's work opportunities, there may be the need to homeschool Aidan, and I struggle deeply with that. It would be a sacrifice of my goals and ambitions for the sake of the family (husband's work, son's education), and that struggle seems to be most often borne by the women in the family (either for economic reasons/opportunities or  otherwise). Ege and I have discussed what the idea of career turn-taking means for us, because he does love being home, and caring for Aidan, but similarly to me, he feels like he won't be "contributing" to the family if he was "merely" a SAHD. Interesting, no?

I admire women like my sister-in-law who seem to find joy and fulfillment in raising a large brood of kids on her own, juggling school runs, meal times, concerts, mother-daughter dates. At the moment I do not think I have the capacity to do so (but that can change because I can probably change to adapt to the situation.) nor am I chasing after the opportunity to do so. I like the work-life balance that I enjoy at the moment, but it is also because I am fortunate enough to have just the one child, and a very involved husband. I am sure few people (irrespective of gender) have that privilege.

Thoughts?


1 comment:

Velle said...

And to that, dear friend, I'll quote Eleanor Roosevelt, who said:

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right — for you'll be criticized anyway."

You're allowed to change your mind and your heart, because nothing is ever static or straightforward. But I'm sure you already know that.

And thank God that He is nowhere near as critical of us, as we are to each other and ourselves. xx