Brave

There are days when I question if I'm being a good mum or not...like y'day morning when I left him to cry for an extended period. And then he got pricked (I think) by a mini safety pin that was holding his pillowcase together. If I'd just checked in on him sooner.... and yada yada the internal admonitions carry on.

I'm gradually building a reserve to block out his crying and remind myself that he has to learn to resettle himself, and that he's not hurt, hungry or wet, just completely indignant at the lack of attention. It's either him or me, mate - either he learns to return to sleep on his own, or I'd have to keep checking in on him every 2 hrs in the middle of the night when he fusses! Although today he realised after awhile he wasn't gonna get picked up, so busied himself by chewing on his pillow, and batting the toy lamb we have tied to the bars of his cot. How cute!

I'm thankful that his day-sleeps are getting better; he can sleep for up to 2 hrs sometimes! Wow! That's if he sleeps of course hehe... but in those breaks I get to do some housework, or like today, just read my Bible and soak it in. Which is a luxury, and something I couldn't afford everyday since Aidan was born. Plus I got to chat with my mum today about his development, and how to handle the difficulties of broken sleep. I'm starting to read the book she gave me for my b'day last year, or being a Godly, purposeful mum...it's really dawning on me how important that role is...and how difficult! Sigh...

Honestly, I had a bit of a break-down on Sat night when EG was about to step out to attend a friend's buck's night. I was meant to go for the hen's as well, and bring the bubba along, but begged off, coz we were just too tired and I was falling sick - plus we'd attended a wedding and an engagement party earlier that day. But anyhoo, just the thought of another lonely night with A, and another sleepless night after, was more than I could bear! I just started sobbing into my noodles - how pathetic! And EG didn't feel like he could go, but I convinced him to eventually - no point 2 people moping about the house. But I got better after, just had to steelve my resolve and check in on him every 15 mins to reassure him that everything's all right. We wrapped him up in his caterpillar wrap that night, and he slept better. Maybe the previous nights he was cold, or maybe he feels more secure being wrapped? Who knows?!

This morning he rose at 2.30am again, and I turned the monitor down wait for 15 mins to see if he'd resettle himself. Next thing I knew it was an hour and 10 mins later already! The poor bubs' been crying for that long! I rushed into his room, and he was whining, not quite full tears, in the opposite corner of his cot, the baby monitor upended, his pillow tossed aside. Guilt washed over me again...

I'm learning, daily, what it means to lead a Godly life that can be taught to him... and how to be a Godly mum. I just need so much wisdom and strength and endurance for this. What a journey...what a desire for hope that each day would be better than the last.

Oh, but I do love him so.